Thursday, December 20, 2012


Picture #1 was taking right after the mask was put on my face. Picture #2 was taken about 5 minutes later. I know what you're thinking. I'm adorable.

Last Friday I made the trek to Clinton to get some cavities filled. I had three. That's more than I've ever had in my life combined. Boo. I had also never been offered laughing gas. I came highly recommended by my SIL Melinda, so when it was offered up I was down. At first I just felt silly and didn't really think it was going to do much. HA! About five minutes after I had settled in the dentist came to check on me and get started. He asked how I was feeling and I informed him that I was pretty sure the gas had just kicked in. He made a comment about how I was watching QVC (there was a TV on the ceiling, glory hallelujah!) and then I went on to give him probably the longest explanation about how our channels didn't go that high, and probably because my husband knew that I would spend too much money if we had it and also that he could barely afford me as it was. So, we started off with a nice TMI, that isn't even true I might add. We don't have cable because at this moment in my life, I don't believe in it. However, opinions may be changed, so don't quote me.

I then proceeded to ask him about as many questions possible. How many shots? How long? How many tools? Were they going to suck my spit? Would it taste bad? WILL I BE ABLE TO FEEL IT? He patiently answered all of my questions and then got to work. The first shot was a doosie. It went in at my second tooth and exited at who knows where, I swear somewhere in the back of my throat. And actually, the second shot was a doosie as well. I informed him that I would be keeping my eyes closed at this part. After he finished up the shots they left me to my own accord for a few minutes.

I was pleasantly surprised while channel surfing that Boy Meets World was on. I figured that if Cory and Topanga couldn't get me through this, no one could. So I sat there for the next 30 minutes scheming ways to get Topanga's hair and how to bring a Chubby's to Kaysville. I'm sad to report that I don't remember the genius solutions that were concocted. 

After BMW was over I decided to do some more channel surfing, except that I could only get 2 channels; 1 with a cartoon Santa and a boring CNN news channel or something. I swear I was only pressing the "up arrow", but you know, my swears are all relative when I'm high as a kite. So, I surrendered, muted the TV, and started eves dropping on my dentist's convo with the hygienist  I honestly can't tell you what they were talking about, but I do know that they were conspiring against someone and it was NOT okay that I was listening. Plus, I'm pretty sure I missed about 80% of the juicy deets, darn you BMW!!! Then I thought that if we made a dentist movie everyone would want to watch it, because how could you not want to watch a movie about a dentist? Right? Yeah, me neither. I decided to close my eyes because I couldn't handle such drama and I started swinging back and forth. Those of you who spend your youth at Lagoon, you know the boat ride? The one that swings higher and higher until you swear you're going to swing all the way around? I was doing that. But I swung all the way around after a while. Twice. That's when I decided it might be a good idea to keep my eyes open. I was nauseous. Bad.

After a while of listening to their scandalous  who knows what they were talking about convo the dentist ran his fingers along the inside of my mouth and at that moment, I was pretty sure that he had taken out all of my teeth on that side of my mouth. Then the panic set in. How in the world was I going to tell J.rue that he was going to have to pay for at least 5 new teeth! What if the teeth didn't match the others?! Oh the agony! Then he told me to bite down and I realized that I did not, in fact, need to have j.rue buy me new teeth. Then I was asked a series of questions to which I responded "I'm too out of it to answer your questions, try again later." Oi.

I sat for a little longer and suddenly realized that I was very aware of my uterus. It felt totally relaxed and at peace. My first thought was that I needed to order some of this jazz for personal use once a month, because I'm pretty sure it could conquer my cramps. Second, my uterus told me that I shouldn't have any problem having kids. Thanks uterus, that makes me feel better.

Not long after that, he was finished. They changed my gas to oxygen and I remember he saying to take big deep breaths. Did I take big deep breaths. No. I was too busy thinking, "They're actually going to let me drive home!" Which they did. After I took about 10 minutes deciding which card to charge my bill too. Very important decisions, you know. I was still nauseous and I was positive that I had the biggest fattest lip you ever did saw, by the way. So I floated to the car, yes I actually drove home. I was going to wait for a few minutes, but the man in the waiting room made me nervous. I could basically read his soul through his eyes. (At this point I hope you are taking my words as they were seen through my laughing gas mind, no my regular sane mind).

I got in the car, un-bottoned my pants (because I was nauseous!) called Melinda and told her that I was going to sleep at her house and then called J.rue. Poor, poor J.rue. The second we got on the phone (while he was at work) the water works came. I told him that I was crying, but I didn't know why. That I was so sorry that I called him at work. That I needed someone on the phone with me because I shouldn't really be driving (I promise I was really fine at this point, just emotional), and that I was sorry I forgot to do that thing he asked me to do before the dentist. Thank goodness Melinda lives about 5 minutes away from the dentist. So, I let j.rue get back to work, I went and laid down on the floor, had a good cry for another 20 minutes and then passed out (as in went to sleep, sorry you must think I'm cray cray by now). I was woken up by my sweetest niece, and then told this story, just as I've told you now. Sans mascara streaks on my face from the crying.

So it's 5 days till Christmas! I can hardly stand it! Actually 4 days, because Christmas Eve is my fav. Maybe I'll post tomorrow, maybe not. But if not, see you after!


  1. yes yes yes! so glad you documented this!

  2. Funniest post I have ever read, I was in tears. Loved the part about the uterus.

  3. The anonymous poster is Holly. Not to worry about a creeper. I didn't want to open an account.

  4. HAHAHAHA Chelsea this is hilarious! I am partly laughing because I can totally see you in this situation, and partly laughing because we see patients all the time that are like this. :) Don't let them fool you, most dentists and hygienists don't like going to the dentist either! :)