LETTERS TO ELLIE

And thus shall be her name forever and ever until the end of time. Or until we change it to something else.

Ever since I found out that I was pregnant, I've been trying to keep a journal about everything. I haven't been extremely diligent, but I think I've gotten the important things. I've been keeping track of my thoughts in this little red journal and writing the entries as letters to my child.

At first, I felt a little dumb writing to my poppy seed, but as we found out she was a she and then that we would most likely call her Ellie, the letters have gotten so much easier to write. It's so fun to tell her what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling, and she can't even sass me back about it yet. I'm hoping to do a little better as she comes closer to being fully cooked, but it's better than nothing.

I've noticed that first children always get the most swag because there aren't any others before them, but this is something I hope that I can at least do for each of them. Other than that, I'm not promising anything.

Also, just while we're on just subject, we're actually not really, last August I was in Vegas on a ladies trip. We were shopping our little hearts out when I came across these baby jammies...and then I bought them.

This is why I felt so stupid at the moment"

1. I was not pregnant (obvi) and did not plan on being pregnant for a while. I was still scared. Actually if we're being real right now, I still am. I'm growing a human.

2. I knew that I would probably never have a girl and that they would just end up being a really cute shower gift.

3. Before that I tried to justify in my mind if these would in any way for for a boy...maybe if I took off the ruffle butt? J.rue later informed me that no son of his would be caught dead wearing polka dots.

I was so embarrassed buying them. I thought for sure the sales girl would know that I wasn't buying these for someone else. She was judging me with her eyes. Then when I got home it took me about 3 days to tell j.rue that I had bought some jammies with no baby in sight. He was not impressed, but said he would allow it if I would please not do that again. He doesn't like our money being "tied up" in silly things like baby jammies. Weird right? I only bought one more pair, for a boy. You know, just to be fair.

And here we are almost a year later and these jammies are still my favorite things. I still pull them out every now and again just to look at them and can't believe I'm actually going to have a real live girl baby to put in them. Unless she's a 10 pounder (please no), they probably won't fit for a little while, but don't worry. There will be pictures of her drowning in these within her first few weeks of life because I really just won't be able to stand waiting. They're just my favorite thing.

It's such a surreal feeling and I can't even imagine what it'll be like when we're driving to the hospital. Until then, I'm just content to daydream - and hopefully get her dang room painted.

YESTERDAY I RODE THE BUS HOME AGAIN.

While riding the bus I fell asleep, remember how I sang praises to my bus naps? I do not love bus naps anymore. Yesterday I fell asleep and missed by bus stop. Woke up RIGHT as we were leaving. So I had to sweet talk the bus driver to stop on the side of the road to let me of. And then...I walked back to my stop. It didn't look to far, but it actually kind of was. My pride was hurt just a little and honestly I really don't know why. I did feel kind of like a vagabond, with my two oversized bags and all. I really just needed a shopping cart.. I hoped and prayed the whole way back to my car that someone wouldn't honk and wave as they drove by. No one did, and I was saved. But then I just had to laugh because really, why do such ridiculous and embarrassing things happen to me? Maybe they happen to others as well, it's just not written about? I like to think that. If something embarrassing happens to you, do me and yourself a favor, just write about it. You know why? Because it makes you feel better. I love how therapeutic writing is. I really could just write and write for hours. I won't subject you to it though, really because, really you guys.

I've also fallen in love with Carter's. Some of their stuff is a little over the top, but their jammies. Oh! their jammies. And they have lots of good deals. I bought a few little fleece outfits for $5.99 a piece. Honestly, I don't LOVE the fleece, but they look so cozy. And they were $5.99. We will be on the cusp of winters frigid months when she makes her appearance. Poor baby.

Last night we had some of our sweet friends over. I took no pictures because we were just too busy talking and stuffing out faces. They brought us dinner, I told you they were sweet, and she made a white chocolate raspberry cheese cake. With cream. Yes please. Cheesecake making isn't her only talent, she's also going to school for interior design and graciously offered to help me decorate little rue's room. That's what the discussion focused on most of the night. She is so talented, I'm excited to see what we come up with. This is our starting point:

Plus some gold probably. I'm a little in love with gold right now.

19

Just in case I'm confusing anyone, because I confuse myself often enough, I'm titling the posts the previous week and putting up the current weeks picture. Why? Just because that's what working for me right now. I'm sure I'll look back and just find myself to be ridiculous. It's fine. I've also decided that I hate taking these pictures. Like hate. I cried to j.rue last night while he was taking this. It was mostly the hormones, really it was, but I'm also inpatient and am unhappy with the growth of my face and arm. Well, both arms, but you just get to see one luckily. So I'll probably keep taking them for documentation, as far as posting them goes, we're still on the fence about that It's really just up to my arms. I'm starting to understand why people start this and then stop around...well, now. But it's okay, right? All in the name of growing a child. I will surely be just fine. Plus, I'm growing a child!

Week 19 was good to me. The day before week 20 she started communicating with me via pokes and jabs. Finally. We were getting breakfast, waaaay later than I was hoping (in other words I was a ravenous beast), and waiting for our table and all of a sudden she decided to put on a show. I reveled in each little acrobatic that she performed. I'm pretty sure she was starving as well because once I started stuffing my face with french toast she quieted right up. Oh and can I just say. french toast. french toast. The answer to all of my pregnancy food prayers. I think I need to be eating it at least once a day. But since I don't cook during the week, (or really ever at all) it will just have to be a weekend delight. On both Saturdays and Sundays. Okay, back to the baby..I didn't hear much from her the rest of the day or yesterday, but every now and then she'll do a little something to reassure me that she was still in there. I really can't believe how much those little movement mean and how real they make everything. They really make the last 4.5 months worth it.

People have been asking me if I'm excited to get to 20 weeks because, you know, that means I'm half way done. It's totally flown by, right? Yes, it has until Wednesday of last week and now I cannot get to the next week soon enough. I only have to basically do this all over again and we'll be there. No problem, except that's a lie and I'm pretty sure that the next 20 will go by in slow motion. The slowest of slow motions. Sometimes I think about it and I'm okay with it. Really I am. Her room is still painted like a circus and even though we've considered converting it, I'm thinking we will get rid of our extra queen bed and put her in a crib. I kid about the queen bed of course. There are just so many house projects that need to be done, sometimes I just find myself begging for more time. 

On the other hand, I still have until October, when it gets cold again. It's just starting to get hot! And I have a whole summer semester to wade through. And I really just want to see what she looks like. SO BAD.

This week is also historic because I think we've 99% nailed down her name. Her whole name. I'm still a little iffy on middle names, but you know, I have 20 weeks to make up my mind.

OUR LITTLE RUE

...is still a she!

J.rue and I went in bright and early for the anatomy scan. Honestly, I haven't spent much time at all worrying, which I've now thanked my lucky stars for. Then came last night. I got about no sleep last night, even with my new pillow pal. I guess staying busy has it's perks, but the night before always about kills me. Worry is not a very good use of time, especially in the wee hours of the morning. Somehow, I still manged to pop right out of bed this morning. We had the DVD (and back-up) stashed in my purse, we had our game plan, and we were ready to roll. We only got to the hospital 45 minutes early, much to j.rue's chagrin. But it didn't take me long to convince him how fun it was to sit in the lobby and people watch, and when that got boring I let him play Candy Crush on my phone, and he was a happy boy. 

When we finally got to go in to the room, my stomach was in knots. Luckily we had the sweetest most patient tech. She told me that the baby was laying horizontal across my body and that her head was on the left side, so of course, we started on the left side. I was hoping for the right side, but you know, I'm not confrontational. We got to look at her brain, her sweet mouth, her lungs and her heart. The heart was the most amazing thing to me. It's so tiny, but already working so hard. Actually, if I think about it too much my head wants to implode. Then we saw that she had ten tiny toes and ten more tiny fingers. I can't wait to kiss each one of those. I really cannot. Also, do you see her nose? How cute is her nose? At least, I think that's her nose. It was so fun spending that time just watching her. Our tech would just hold it in one place so we could look at her face a bit longer and then just watching her wriggle. She is a really good wriggler.

Then it was time for the verification. I really really really thought there was a good chance that that was a little boy in there and he was just really good at hiding his goods. Lo and behold the legs were crossed, indian style, just like her daddy and uncle like to sit. We tried everything, moving the chair up and down, bouncing (with a full bladder, so fun), prodding her with the doppler thing. She was not impressed with the prodding. Every time the tech would put pressure, she would kick her left leg and promptly move it back indian style. Oh, she's not going to be stubborn at all. Finally the tech decided to take a break to show my results to the doctors and about 5 minutes later we tried again and she finally cooperated. Though, I'm sure she thoroughly enjoyed the theatrics that she caused. She also wouldn't sit still long enough for the doctor to get a heartbeat during my appointment later that morning. Such a stinker already.

So, I now believe that she's a girl. Even though I already ordered her some stuff last week. Which will be here tomorrow. Drool.

Random and kind of dumb story: As most of you know, I'm adopted. I actually have a really cool story, so if you don't know it, ask sometime! I've never had a problem with being adopted. My mom just made sure that I always knew. She did such a good job with that. Anyway, the only thing that I ever missed was not having someone look like me (this is where it get's a little dumb, sorry.) People always say my brother Cale and I look alike and even my mom sometimes, which I love. I really do. But I want my someone to look just like me. I don't know if that's totally kind to wish on another human being, but I still am. Especially since I'm getting the girl I never thought I would. But if she looks like her daddy that's okay too because Jeremy and I have been mistaken for siblings, while holding hands and kissing, once or twice. So whatevs, I guess we'll find out once autumn comes. 

She obviously likes to have that left hand up in the air. I'm just glad she doesn't find the need to stick any part of it in her mouth. I'm also grateful that the unicorn horn on the top of her head has disappeared  I still hadn't quite figured out how to make that one work to her advantage.

18 - REVIEWED

I really did kind of mess up on the post titles, because really, all I'm going to do is talk about week 18. So, I'm changing the titles starting today, because there's not time like the present, right?

Speaking of presents, we found out we're having a:

...and we are so excited! I'm still in shock though. We have our anatomy scan this coming Thursday morning, so I almost didn't say anything until then, because I really can't believe it. But that would be rude, so there just might be an updated post Thursday afternoon. I was positive it was a boy. POSITIVE. Not 10 seconds after we started the ultrasound had started the tech said, "it's a girl!" really, before she said anything else. She didn't even ask if I was ready, and I wasn't. I made her show me about 4 times, and of course I couldn't really see anything. I pretended to, but lesbehonest, I don't really get ultrasound pictures. Apparently, I even have a picture of her lady parts, but I would have been ticked if my mom put up a picture of mine on the internet, so I'm assuming she wouldn't be too stoked about it either.

So, Thursday evening I walked out of the doctors office in shock. I had imagined ordering boy clothes, sitting on the beach with a 2 month old baby boy, getting his room ready, and playing boy type games with him. Not once did I picture having a girl and doing all of those things with her, especially my first go-around. But, of course, J.rue and I are just as excited as can be. She already has him wrapped around her finger and he's already calling her by her name. It's one of the sweetest things.

Also, the clothes. I'm going to have a serious problem. One that will need to be curved quickly. Now I just can't help but sit and daydream all day about all of the time we'll be spending together and all of the sweet moments that will be had, just me and her.

She's also started moving a lot more. Those little flutters make everything so much more real.

Besides the best mother's day present ever, I got to spend time with all of the women that I love most this weekend. I really couldn't have asked for a better one.